Weirdnesses of the Catherine

Well in case you are not paying attention, yes i have a girlfreind, and yes i know that is incredible.

HOWEVER  this is Catherine and is in alot of ways even further removed from what you would call a normal human being than even i am. In general she is very strange and so i have made a list of the many weird and what i think is wonderful things that you may notice about Cathy Roberts.

1.  SHE IS OBSESSED WITH THE COULOR OF PINK yes yes i know alot of girls like pink but then again since when have i admitted girls are normal? plusif we want to get into this equality argument as a christian i beleive adam came before eve, which makes adam the first and therefore the normal upon which eve was based on, on which women was based on, so yeh it is weird she likes pink and she is OBSESSED with it.
   
2. SHE KNITS WHEN SHES BORED i think its quite funny that my girlfreind has the same hobbys as my grandma but heyy there has to be a point where the casual "oh i feel like knitting" turns into what catherine has turned out like. shes been known to knit ties for people and to bring her knitting into school. btw stephen that tie makes you look very handsome :P
   
3. SHE HAS A TWIN WHICH I COULDNT TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
   Imagine the consequences if this problem had continued, Gemma is Cathys twin and if you know them well its dead easy to tell the difference, but when Gemma doesnt go to your 6th form there is a problem,when i first met Cathy i hadnt seen a picture of her and gemma together and was convinced it was the same person, until i met them both in town , thanks Gemma for dying your hair red, it helped alot
   
4. HER INABILTY TO KEEP A SECRET WITHOUT HER FACE GIVING IT AWAY
   I do not agree with lying, however secrets dont involve lying it is just the art of NOT saying something, and someone as quiet as Cathy can be should find it easy shouldnt they? NO not this one. there is a habit of hers to turn into the coulour of her blouse/ top when under pressure trying to keep a secret, which makes it easy to spot saying that she normally wears pink or purple

5. HER PARENTS NICK NAME FOR HER
i thought catherine shortened to cath or cathy or maybe cat.


KATY LIZ???????? i dont get it its weird and its strange when i hijack her phone, look through her inbox (naturally) and see messages from her family calling her just that, its almost as strange as my grandad being called by his middle name since birth. WHY NOT JUST CALL HIM KEITH BRYAN WOODWARD INSTEAD OF BRYAN KEITH WOODWARD.


you can see that gets to me quite a bit.

and thats cathy for you summed up in all her weirdness, but before you ask why im being so critical i shall redeem myself. if cathy was normal she would be nothing like me and so not my type, all her weirdnesses are what i like so much bout her so meh im not a cruel boyfreind anymore you darn critics!!!

the like button

I hate facebook with everything i have yet i am obsessed with it.

which leads me to think why on earth they are insistant on making it worse for me. Its filled with people like me who spend there time at home on facebook instead of doing something, which means its impossible to start a good conversation with them.

So you find yourself "liking" pages that your freinds have also "liked". Theres cute little lovey pages for the girls to waste there time on HOPING that the right boy will take pity on them enough to go out with them (if they notice that they liked the page), then theres the downright funny ones which recreate real life situations that everyone "likes" because they assume that just because they have been in the same situation before they must therefore "like" it.

All these problems never occured back in the old school days of "becoma a fan" but then again they had there own problems with the unstoppable surveys and popups that for some reason EVERYONE USED. but hey good old facebook got rid of that problem with the "like" button......

oh yeh the surveys are still here, and thats right there not even surveys, if you were yelling at the screen for long enough to notice they arnt even surveys.

there prize draws and advertisements in my book thats not even a survey unless filling out your personal details is classed as a survey. NOT ONLY THAT but they have the cheek of calling them a short FREE survey. there about as free as a terrorist at guantamino bay.

So here we are on facebook with noone to talk to, countless farmville requests and mafia wars notifications and when we see a page we want to like we find ourselves on another website filling out a free survey which turns out not to be a survey but a conjob completely unrelated to the original thing we liked. we shut the page down go back to facebook to see that all of your freinds have seen what you have "liked" and have also gone through the same process. i dont know who invented this idea but they need to be linched

but if you are lucky enough to miss this horrible turn of events and you find yourself on a reasonably ok looking page that shows you what lady gaga looked like before she whent gaga you may also notice this huge misunderstanding that has also gripped facebook

"like this page to continue"
forgive me for being the most simple person on the planet but i thought that in order to "like" said picture of lady gaga i need to see it first in order to like it?

thats like saying that i like avocado...... i have never touched an avocado or tasted it and from the pictures ive seen it doesnt exactly look amazing so how can i possibly like the dam fruit???????

and then if thats not enough to drive me insane, yes theres more, they then ask you to suggest the page to all my freinds as well BEFORE I KNOW WHAT IT IS IM LIKING.

so imagine me and my avocado again for a minute ive stated that i like it when ive never tasted it and now im going to all my freinds that they should try it..... THATS MADNESS.

facebook the worst form of life deprivement there is yet i know that as soon as ive typed this up i shall be back on it. God help us all

Top ten ways to be remembered on the internet

Im back with a new trick

the trick of havingyou spend the time to leave facebook just to read my blog, im honoured really i am but i think that i may have an apology to some that i need to make. I promised a book

and i diddnt deliver, thing is noone can be bothered to read a chapter every day cus here on facebook, not an online book lol. So im sorry for the odd few, emily and ben who never saw what they wanted but hey i got as bored as everyone else.

SO what is the big subject today? ill tell ya

WHY NUDISTS DONT HAVE TEENAGER FREINDS


im not just on about nudists so dont worry im not about to hurt your eyes with any disgusting nonsense you would see on jeremy kyle. People are different and over the ages this has produced the tendancy for people to judge there fellow man or woman in many harsh yet almost true ways.

For example you wont find many teenagers with nudists as freinds for one clear reason, "thats just skatty thou". oooh how judgmental but at the end of the day we all agree with that. So the point im making is that, we shouldnt judge others for there own weird and wonderful ways and all get along, i hear you say. No dont be so stupid. judging is bad but theres reasons why certain people shouldnt be freinds or even aquaintances.

You would never find a hiker enthusiast with a game designer, or a goth with a chav at least not very often. What hiker wants to sit down and hear the woes of low pixel rate a game has, or does a goth want to sit down and listen to 50 cent? nooo, and it should stay that way, we dont have the same freinds for a very good reason.

Take the original idea of nudists and teenagers, imagine if i matthew leigh had a nudist bunch of mates lets think what would happen to my social life......... thats right it would shrink. AND THAT IS SERIOUS.

"oh yeh i was hangin out with mark the other day"
"isnt he the nudist?"
"oh yeh but hes a nice guy"
"oh ..... i see"

NOOOOOooooo wouldnt be right, they live in colonys for a VERY good reason. but its the same every where, i take the mick out of ben rowe for half wearing his belt and although its only a joke it proves why i probably will never be best buds with ben rowe, we dont fit in the same situation. or why stephen cant walk into a pub and just hang out or even why jade would look so weird in the lake district with a load of hikers. THOSE PEOPLE DONT GO TOGETHER. and thats fine and everyone can agree with that yet i know that somoen reading this will be thinking "those damm(insert people here) there as normal as graham norton on crystal meth"

and this is why nudists dont have teenager freinds because although at first you understand that they are there own people with a right to not wear clothes you end up thinking " WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE SO WEIRD" which puts an inbreakable judgment on them and therefore you avoid them even more.

All in all then the reason why people dont mix with there opposites is because a judgment is a mental substitiution for the people in question, and that judgement is what is soooo weird/wrong not the people themselves. If thats the case the only thing stopping teenagers being freinds with nudists, or goths with chavs etc, is there own stupid mind set.

the best way to beat that is to mock everyone ive been doing it for a while now and it works for me

THE LINK OF THE DAY and chapter 3

Today's BIG Fail - Angry Bottle Rocket
This video makes me laugh so much the sound makes it better and this is my monday magical link i might do more lets see how it goes hey.

I NEED FEEDBACK. and not by emailing my google account ben, by actually commenting on my blog, or emailing me at mattleigh2@hotmail.co.uk or maybe if you find it easier comment under the link on facebook as it hasnt got a layout invented by the idiot who did blogger. SOo moany different screens to do one thing.

ANYWHO i digress. I need feedback because at the moment it is chapter 3 of my three week book marrathon and martin is trapped in his hotel room without anything he can really do. PLS PLS feedback cus im crap at inventing a story line and im sure the 7 followers plus the readers who have nothing else to do on FB can come together to make a better one than i can do. plus now ive done 2 chapters i cant really stop now.

Chapter 3

Harringtons laywers firm, central office

"i could of had him Paul I could of had him"

Johns face was a picture, his latest case was a Mr Martin sommers and he was guilty. Blood everywhere, fingerprints, it was him and all he had to do now was arrive at court and ask the jury and they would say yes well that should of happened, but yet again he lost his cool.

"John, its three days and he will be back in court and you can convict him then, i mean its a strong case and his DNA everywhere"

Paul wasnt really paying attention to John and was spending his time munching an apple, reading the metro. something that to him was more interesting than the whines from John.

"yes i know that , but for god sake man, something isnt right with his motive, i mean hes a big guy this martin, its not like he would have to kill her for what he wanted"

Sweat beaded from his head, air con was out, again.

"John, hes a sick perverted maniac with a liking for women who dont fight back. Nothing else to it. I know it you know it and more importantly the jury know it now for God sake shut your face and get me a brew."

and thats what he did. even though the machine was about as useful as a community support officer. John had been working law for years. once a laywer you have a job for life. Especially when the economy goes. no money means more desperation which means more murders. Because of this John knew his job very well.

freinds and contacts in the police made him the wanted lawyer. He could get anyone behind bars if he wanted too although recently he was losing his cool in the court. Doesnt help when you have a newborn in the house, screaming until god knows when and obviously affecting his work. His wife Sarah, was responsible for that little gem, forgetting to take her daily pill.

Aside from the sick on the suite and the sleepless nights it wasnt so bad however. he had a family. The only problem is when your trying to convict someone for murder and you cant tell the difference between obvious and blatent evidence and the hunch that theres more to a case. This was why he had organised for sarah and the baby to move in with his mothers, hell for her but at least it meant he could get these few cases out of the way and get some sleep.

John was on his way back to his phone when he heard his phone ringing, carrying two teas isnt the most practicle way to pick a phone.

"Paul, could you get that mate im out of hands"

Paul diddnt even walk across from his office, he just looked through the glass partition opened the door behind him and rolled his chair from where he was sat to where Johns phone was. one lazy yet impressive sweep.

"Yeh, Harringtons, John saunders' office, who do i have the PLEASURE of talking to"

"Its a client you utter prat"

Paul knew it was a client and just stuck up his middle finger with a cheeky grin that could beat a five year old boy. after a lot of bull crapping over the phone he eventually passed it back to John who had only just put the teas down, and rolled back into his room yet again with no effort and landed back in front of the metro.

" Yes John saunders what can i do for you"

"I understand you are the man in charge of the Martin sommers prosecution"

"Yes thats correct can i ask who im talking to"

"are you still taking evidence?"
John was taken back, more evidence? that wasnt possible the evidence was huge already he could already take sommers down without a second thought. The problem is that it was almost certainly a prank call.

"im sorry who is this"

"i know something that may interest you mr saunders, your struggling over the idea of his motive ..."

"who is this, and how did you kn.."

"your quite right to be unsure, that wasnt his motive he wasnt after free sex mr saunders"
sweat was streaming down his face now and nothing to do with the air con.

"hang on ill write this down"

"i know why she died mr saunders, and i can prove it. we will be in touch"

"wait, hello. Dammit"

the phone was dead.

Chapter 2, and why you shoudlnt get me doing DIY

decking, is silly stupid and ridonkulous. What purpose does it serve? what is it for? whats more why get me to help buid it im not strong, i have no practicle sense and i cba. "its a beautiful day matt why not come help me"

ill tell you why, its hot, ill burn, ill sweat and then ill feel tired. anyways my miniture rant over. Chapther two and we have martin sommers a man who is in court for murder of a prostitute. we dont know if he has done it but thats up to you lot. thanks for the comments sandersons and i will take what you said into consideration but noone really said WHAT should happen nextso this is off of my head again. please leave your comments on what you think should happen in chapter 3.

Chapter 2

Martin was a tall man of thin stature and his seemingly mellow impression made him look like a stiff breeze could knock him over. Like all prisoners at the time his head was shaved and mysterious bruises started to appear from nowhere.

he had three days break before being sent back to court and inevitably prison and there was nothing he could really do about it. The only comfort he could find himself with was in the subtle overtones of alchohol from the bottle at his side. Not that it would help mind against the stress caused by an overcrowded prison and the constant deprivation on the steets. The country was at its knees and as a result everything slipped. Even the gravediggers are on strike which diddnt sit well with martin because he knew he was in for the death sentence, which meant he would be in a fridge as part of another pile of bodys waiting to be buried.

Martin diddnt live in the city and so he spent his time in some sort of B+B however it was more like a bed sit. The walls hadnt been cleaned since 2010 and the floor was covered with discarded cans.

"Look mate you wanna stay here? then itll be 50 a night no questions asked"

"50 is extortionate i have 20 for the three days its not like you have a quality institution"

"insult my institution means you insult me and that wont get you a room will it!"

The owner was a over 6'5 and built like a house, not surprising that when martin was put up against the wall he couldnt think straight for the next five minutes.

"Now listen here you lanky piece of crap, its 50 a night take it or leave it but you DONT disrepect my apartments? Is that clear?"

Martin just nodded. his face screwed up like a boy hu had just been smacked for stealing sweets. He payed that 50 a night and what it got him was a pile of springs for a bed and maggoty bread for the breakfast. That would have to do.

He sat on his bed not sleeping but thinking for the first night. what had happned was a mystery even for him, he couldnt even be sure he had killed her ...

"Yes, im out of prison for the moment.... yes i know its bad.... well i dont know thats the thing........ listen its not as bad as it sounds Mark... no i will have your money.... no the police diddnt get at it... and they dont know..... no Mark give me a week just a week and you will have it..... and the money yes....... no its not with me... but i know where it is... mark? mark?..........."

the phone was dead. Mark was a close associate of Martin and had been working with him for a while. The powder was his game, in these times even martin was involved. He was a brilliant accountant and when there is no honest men with accountancy to be done then the only money is with the dishonest ones.

and a hell of alot of it if you knew where to find it. Martin was an expert at it. the only problem with being so filthy rich is when everyone else isnt, they start to ask questions. A murder suspect with his hands in dirty money and powder = guilty and he knew it. so he was living off the 200 pounds he had snuck with him.

another problem is that when you work in the trade Martin worked in no money was yours. it was always your bosses. the money you did get was your running costs and nothing else. This meant that the £30,000 pounds he was carrying when he was about to be arrested would make him even more guilty and would mean that your boss was also hunting you down for it.

as it happens martin had hidden it in a bin. When covered in somone elses blood with the police after you it seems like the most sensible thing to do. as it happens it would still be there as the bin men were always on strike. But when your a suspected murderer people tend to follow you. Martin had decided to keep tight for the moment but the dealer, Mark was not so understanding on the phone and it wouldnt be long before there would be a bang at the door with Mark and two bull terriers behind it.

The only option he had was to sit and wait for the door to open. sit and wait for a feasible way out of this, whatever happened he needed that money.

3 WEEK COME BACK,,,,,,,,,,CHAPTER 1

ok excluding yesterday i have been gone 3 weeks and there will be no more of this dissapearing nonsense. As pay back for the 21 days of absence i am going to write a book...... most of you dont read i know but for those who have nothing better to do aside from read my blog it can be quite entertaining. one chapter for everyday ive missed which is 21 chapters. NOT ONLY that but im only going to do one chapter by myself. after this chapter i will leave it up to you lot and your comments, which i will then put into the second chapter. the idea being that even i do not know what will happen until i write it. GOOD EY?

Chapter 1

"Martin Sommers you have been convicted of murder and you stand here before this court accused guilty. What is your plee"

"Not guilty" he mouthed

with that plee the trial was short and overwhelming. he could not afford a lawyer especially not it these times. The recession that had hit three years before had hit hard again apart from now the worst happened. The great depression seemed miniscule compared to what was happening at that time.

"May i display our first piece of evidence, Item A"

The prosecution they had was professional presice and therefore deadly. The lack of work or economy meant the lack of prisons and the lack of prisons meant that execution for murderers was common.

"this is the item of clothing worn by mr summers on the night of the incident and as you can clearly see it is stained heavily with what we have confirmed as the blood of the victim. now mr sommers perhaps you would like to explain how that happened?"

" I dont know "

" You dont know, im sure you realise how bizarre that sounds mr sommers. You were covered in the blood of your victim and you were found with the body and you just dont know how?"

"thats correct sir"

"well that is most unfourtunate but we also found the knife she was killed with mr sommers and im sure your aware of your fingerprints on the handle. Come come now mr sommers dont make this hard for yourself, you killed her and we all know you did now why dont you just admit it"

"i diddnt even know her sir"

"SHE WAS A HIRED GIRL MR SOMMERS. YOU DIDDNT NEED TO KNOW HER"

The judge stood to attention
"calm yourself!"

"SHE WOULDNT LET YOU HAVE IT FOR FREE AND SO YOU KILLED HER MR SOMMERS"

"i did no such thing, i diddnt even touch her"

"so perhaps you would like to explain what happened or do you not know mr sommers?..."

The laywer turned to the jury

"...we all know what happened here. Martin sommers is a perverted man who likes to keep himself in the company of prostitutes and whores..."

"No"

"... he couldnt keep to his own bargain and pay and so he killed for the right for his treatment to be free..."

" i diddnt kill her"

"So what did happen mr sommers? or dont you know? You were all over the crime scene mr sommers you are guilty"

"no im not"

"you can provide no alibi no evidence to support yourslf mr sommers what happened?"

"I DONT KNOW"

"ORDER IN THIS COURT"
the judge was booming authority over the argument and instantly everyone in the room turned towards him.

"mr sommers is obviously quite distressed, we cannot carry on this trial today. Court adjurned for three days, mr sommers you will be here or you will be automatically assumed guilty do you understand?"

"yes sir"

"COURT ADJURNED"
And with the hammer Martin had three more days.


chapter 2

chapter 3

The intelligence of chavs

today my blog post is all about the chavs that were so kind to "intorduce" themselves to me today on the way home. since i diddnt get a chance to drag them off there little bmx's and cave there heads in with my size 12 feet im going to tlk about them on here so that anyone like them can read it.

First impressions
when you have something in your hair you take it out right? unless its meant to be there (girly stuff lol) so thats what i did today, whilst doing so these "hard, cool and quite awesome" people come round the corner on there bikes. "DOIN' 'UR 'AIR LIKE A GAY FATBOY!"

lets just say i thought they were so hard so cool and you know what i really feel like being like them........
first impression = twats

Intelligence levels
quite high actually, in the 20 second interval of riding past on ther bikes (in the middle of radcliffe road, not surprised or sad if they get ran over) they managed to not only remember that a guy doing his hair means hes obviously gay in their society, but they also saw that i was slightly chubby and would probably take offence by being called fat.

When they did all of that they then put all of these things into a sentence. much more practise they'll be writing books.

Why?
well i can see the fun of drubbing someone i do it all the time. there are some conditions to that though.

1. you know the person well
2. your there long enough to see there reaction
3. your a man (not being sexist its just a phrase) and take the consequences

they did none of these.
i dont know them so who the hell they think they are taking the piss out of me, chav ba*tards.

they missed the best part i mean they diddnt even wait to see me frown and off they are giggling away, i mean if that was a joke they laughed just BEFORE the punchline.... hahaha hilarious.

and the fact that they havnt been man enough to take my kicks to there sodding face just proves that puberty is still ten years away. even i who is a mild centred guy has peved someone enough for them to hit me and everytime ive taken it. in fact ive been man enough to take hits or p' takes of of chav idiots like them without reason and im just a gay fatboy doin my hair.

Had enough?
so have i and to be honest so has the country if you agree with me then your normal if not then why not i would love to know if they have a moral ground to stand on.

im starting a group on facebook which i will comment on the side of the link if you agree with me please join because to be honest if its seen as ok to do this then i think people need a SHARP reminder that they are the arrsewipe of society.

excuse my french in this post but ive kind of had enough of this stuff and so has most other people.

The ten top ways to be drubbed at youth group

first off i must explain the term drubbing for any adult or any emmanuel going person who has got no idea what the hell i am talking about.

drubbing = taking the mick out of.....
or
drubbed = to have the mick taken out of you/ someone/ insert name here

the word derives from kenny drubblestene who had the top halo gamerscore and so you would be drubbed if you got killed when playing halo. it then spread to general use.

like in this countdown

1. acting gay without a punchline.
well theres a time and a place for acting gay at youth. when its in the most sarcastic manner and when you know that at least 1.5 people will laugh or giggle. This is called acting gay with a punchline. and all those that just act gay because they can, sam, will be drubbed.

2. naming your bicepts
matt you better be happy that i keep mentioning you it wont be happening for long lol.

3.explaining an innuendo
the great part of british culture is our great ability to make something slightly unclean yet hilarious with just a tone of voice or one simple word. The big failing on some of the youth group i.e Tom cast, is that as soon as the said joke is finished they feel the need to giggle and then blurt out in the middle of church what the joke was actually referring to. that makes a very awekward situation it also ceases to make the joke funny.

4.talking to daniel joseph ley
this isnt bad in itself but is a garuntee to be drubbed. hes brilliant at it and will do it as soon as given a chance. nowadays he results to either a facepalm (putting your palm to your face to simbolise the persons stupidity) or just using the term burke with expert precision.

5.stating that you have just lost the game.
yes i know the rules state that once you lose it you must tell everyone but unfourtunately at youth group its happening even more just annoy other members. this is perhaps one of the most efficient ways to be drubbed and will happen if you state the two word sentence. It makes it worse for certain people because of associations we have with the game that make us feel physically repulsed (like the mother worm)

6.mock "the Steve"
it should never happen. "the Steve" is the pastor of our church and for a long period of time ed kept saying he was the fourth in the trilogy of God, Father, son, holy spirit and the steve. wether he was joking or just being blatently blasphemus is irelevent. "the Steve" is in high respect and should be spoken about in the same regard. we love you steve!!

7.Knock the cup over
is it wrong to knock someones drink over? yes it is yet alot of the younger ones plus dan like to do this. this is an obvious way to annoy the owner of the drink and therefore to be drubbed. why do it guys i mean it may only be a polystyrene cup but its a drink at the end of the day.

8.talk in service
i am guilty as charged on this one and so is alot of the youth group. we should be quiet in church but its so tempting to annoy ben rowe. this happens alot and usually the person committing the crime will be drubbed by dave.

9.failing to drubb someone else
yet another one tom cast is guilty of. when drubbing someone else for whatever reason it may be it is ALWAYS worse to fail the drub. you can do this by:

• mumbling your words
• having a backchat that was more effective than your original drubb
• or failing to have a suitible reason for your drubb. (usually answered back with "can it")

if your going to do it, do it right.

10. backing up a drubbee
if someone is being drubbed its for a good reason. defending them is the equilivant of taking that drubb for yourself. this normally happens when somebody doesnt understand we are only drubbing and think we are just being mean. (abi wendels)

heres a picture of our church where this crazy stuff usually happens

Stupid facebook groups that are definately wrong

Ok you know those ridiculous girly groups that are called something ridiculous like

"the top ten ways to know that your relationship is a good one"

well i clicked onto one of these when i was bored and have come to the conclusion that not only was it written by a women who has just got into a relationship but also has fundemental rules which are wrong.

so today i'm going to scrutinise every single rule with my powers of sceptisism for your "enjoyment"

1. Whenever you are with them, nothing else in the world matters.

wrong

well sort of

on the face of it not a bad rule but "nothing" else matters and "noone" else matters are two different things. this one says nothing and i have seen it before when someone sacrifices GCSE results or there relationship with family for some lad. overall its an ok rule but more thought into it would be gud...... (remember im being sceptic about these so take all of these with a pinch of salt)

2. He calls you beautiful or gorgeous instead of hot or sexy.

wrong

appearances are what first makes someone interested. so if your still going on about it when in the middle of a relationship...... plus have you never thought that the boy saying thes nice things might know he's making you feel good. you = round his little finger. overall how can you ever predict what a relationship will be like through what someone says?

3.3. You think about them all day long, and dream about them every night.

wrong

you try thinking about one thing all day, go on i dare you

4. They are the first and last voice you hear.

wrong

well what if you dont live with your boyfreind? then your in a bit of a pickle when you want there voice to be the first you hear.

5.Even if your parents don't want you being together you stay together.

wrong

this rule doesnt predict a good relationship. just proves you disagree with your parents. plus there must be a good reason for your parents to dislike your boyfreind.

6. They can drive you crazy and yet you still wanna always be around them.

right

yepp pretty true i mean who wants to be in a relationship with someone they don't want to be around? i mean everyone is annoying at times.

7. You don't have to worry about losing them to anybody.

right

yepp trust is the key. i love phrases like that

8.Religious matters don't get in the way.

wrong

the person who wrote this is obviously an atheist. religous matters? religion is a faith people have and therefore is more important than a boyfreind or girlfreind. which means its not the religion in the way its the relationship in the way of the faith. now thats serious scrutinisation!!

9. They understand your schedulel can't always fit them in.

wrong

you try booking a boyfreind slot into your timescale. by doing that instantly there a hobby not a relationship. hmm bet u never thought i could call this one wrong hey?

10.They will give you your space and respect you.

wright

see what i did there.

yeh first half is right second half is a blatent obviousness and shouldnt even have to be included. why enter a relationship without respect.

so out of ten i figure 2.5 of the rules to be right thats 25% of there rules right.

not a good percentage by that is it now?

thats the end of my rant and now for some mentions

remember to look at the other blogs around at the side >

also matt wendels wanted me to mention him.

so ill do the generous thing and give him two

1. the titans still good?

2. still a fan of the mother worm?

The reason why im both so proud and depressed

when thinking of this country and its greatness first we look into history.

The romans tried to conquer us.

1. lost 2 legions by smashing there boats on the white cliffs of dover

2. when they did land they got beaten up by a bunch of burley farmers.

3. then they got to whales and lost 2 legions to the welsh

4. they couldnt take over scotland so built a big wall to keep the scottish out.

5. the roman empire collapsed but the scottish (then called celts) were still there.

1066 the french arrive with william the conquorer

1. williams grandad was an exciled ENGLISH king

2. that makes william english

3. which means the french never conquored.

4. britain wars against france until the early 20th century.

5 . france with its country of 4 times the size never get close to taking britain.

6. british empire continues to grow so that it covers more than 1/4 of the worlds surface.

world war 1 and 2

1. we win world war one along with some help

2. inbetween world war1 and 2 we give our empire back to the original countries showing the mercy we had.

3.world war 2, france and the rest of the vast continent of europe is taken over. little old britain holds the nazis out.

4. we win the war

so overall what a great country we have and when i remember these things i get very happy. I feel proud to be british, proud of free health care proud of democracy and proud of our diverse public.

then i walk into a council estate.

and all of those feelings leave instantly.

on the subject of superpowers

ok in bens blog he rants on for ages on the subject of superpowers.

so thats whats going to happen here

FIRSTLY what power would i want most......

MIND CONTROL oh definately now this would mean the avoidance of paying for food, making people forget my awekward situations i put myself into and would also mean i could convince some one to pay me for blogging.

secondly my favourite super hero is:

BATMAN yeh right he diddnt even have a power

nope its actually hiro nakamura off of heroes. what a happy chappy. he has the power to stop or travel through time with his trusty freind ando oh yeh he also has kick "ass" samurai sword skills.

HIS CATCH PHRASE IS "YATTA"

My long awaited second blog actually about me

i say long awaited although thats just a blatent lie. noones been waiting for it ive just noticed the foul/ funny posts have been taking over recently and now im going to top you up with my latest rant on life.

i warn you now some of you may already of heard this one but it gets to me.

UGG BOOTS

ok i dont have a problem with them in particuler its just the stupidness of them now.

firstly i swear to God himself that all women from the age of 16 to the age of around 34 that you see in town now all look the same thanks to long blonde straightened hair, tight jeans/ jeggings and last but not least the ugg boot.

which have got furryier and furryier as the months go on. it starts of with the bland but ok looking standard uggs. then people decide to take the furr from the inside and use the as nice linings so it adds a nice touch to the boot.

now in the typical style of the fashion world someone decided to take it a step too far, in this case they ran three miles over the point of too far.

have a look around next time your in town, and you will notice that the shins of nearly every women/ girl wearing ugg boots is like a yeti. completely covered in fur to the point where the person does not have shins any more they just have huge cankles (where it is impossible to define the difference between foot and ankle).

Now why bother shaving your legs or even going to the insanity of waxing them if your just going to cover them up with 40 times the amount of fur???

now i dont know much about fashion as you have probably guessed so jades blogg is the best if you care enough to read about it but she does agree about the boots last time i asked. http://styleiconinpersonater.blogspot.com/

Rules of being near a leigh brother

ok so if you have seen me and my "lovely" brother dave next to eachother then you may notice after some times there are certain rules we expect the rest of the population to abide by.

there are loads so im not going to list them all just 20 of them..... lol
remember some of these rules are made by dave and i dont agree with them and some are made by me which dave thinks makes me "gay"

starting off at number

1. If it is possible to have your meal in a large version, then thats what your eating. otherwise your just a wimpy disgrace of a human being.

2. whats a vegetarian?

3. over 6 foot you are tall, below that you need to grow some more, gimli

4. "Bruv will never be a man"

5. stuff the shotgun rule im bigger than you are

6. If and when possible thoult shall mock wendels for his "titans"

7. If someone is perfectly fitted into a steryotype that is considered to be inferior or just ridiculous ( note the over bolded "i" and say it where necessary) then they are to be mocked either by imitating them or giving a screwed up/ constipated disgruntalled look.

8. THOULT SHALL GIVE ME THE REMOTE

9. The TV has 20 sound settings, lets find the 21st

10. whoever says that we look like our father should be talked down to with a calm yet stern "Can it"

11. Bruv is his name, what made you think otherwise

12. the leigh brothers do not look like eachother. well done, micheal jackson looked nothing like jamain

13. Someone outside of being a leigh will have the same opinion as said leigh. difference is too hard to comprehend

14. dave is stronger than bruv. may god save you if you say otherwise to dave

15. Bruv hasnt worked all day hes been at school

(heres bruvs section)
16. Dave is a burke and therefore all comments should be thought over if they have come from his mouth.

17. At home dave is nice enough to crack bruvs toes (without warning or permission). at some point remind him of his cruelness

18. Any man doubting the fitness of cheryl cole should get out.

19. neither of the leighs have ever counted the calories in their food. neither should you

20. if a film has no action, death or something to stimulate the mind within the first ten minutes do not be surprised if it is swiftly turned off.

and there we have it the 20 rules of being near a leigh brother hope you had a little inside chuckle(or LIC)

The concept of homework

.... is a pile of pee (which is a liquid but hey you now know my feeling towards homework)

yes now its fair enough the teacher must give you some questions to practise outside of the lesson but this is the problem.......

"In later life you wont get a second chance on doing work at home..." now thats what a teacher once said to me and i found 2 main problems with this.

1. the teacher on this stupid quote is mentioning later life not realising that she must not have a clue about later life because she went through school, through college, even university and after all of that became a teacher. in short how could she ever know what later life is like, she never left the education system.

2. another problem is that in later life she is presuming that i will be at work. yes thats true but at what job do you get set homework? thats right teaching....

3. and the last problem is that by saying "...you wont get a second chance..." is assuming that i want the second chance to do the homework. Which if that was the case i would of done my homework in the first place and she wouldn't of needed to say it.

all of which leads me to beleive that when teachers set homework its because they know no different. they dont realise that we dont learn by homework. IF we do it its half arssed with a big help from wikipedia and after all i when on to get a B in that subject without a single minute of homework or revision. shame on you teacher!!!

BRUVS SELF HELP

yes here is my first in self help posts for your enjoyment. remember i hold no responsibility for you being a burke and actually beleiving what im about to type.

First step to becoming a less stressful and more relaxed individual is remembering to follow the 4 steps.

1. SOUL

this is most in depth and individual step and should be taken with a degree of caution.

when in a situation of worry or stress just think. "who am i?" now remember events that you have been through or people that you know do not make up who you are!! think if your a cheery extrovert or a more secluded introvert and think should I be worrying about this? is this me?

If not then why are you worrying about this for god sake you will do a lot better for yourself if you keep to your own or keep to the important. and if this is you then your where you stop. relax and realising that you shouldnt be worrying about this..

2. Emotion

The second step is simple and is the step that everyone seems to skip to. How does this situation make you feel? if the sitaution is making you feel really bad then what is it about the situation thats making you feel this way? what exactly is the scource of all your worry, stress doubt or anxiety? without this step its impossible to move on so it is important to realise how you feel and why you feel like this. of course youve got to make sure that your not being irrational. like girls do when someone hurts there mate. "OH GOD HOW DARE THEY DO THAT TO HER SHES MY BEST MATE.......etc" remember in them situations as much as you would love to help your mate it isnt your problem to be feeling bad about and so if this is the start of all bad feelings... GET A GRIP.

3. Mind

This is a step wich everyone assumes they have done.

USE YOUR LOAF! (loaf = brain)

by this point you know that it is up to you to think about the situation (soul)

you know where the feeling of stress is from (emotion)

and now you have to think how to fix this situation. and no it wont feel better if you sit and worry about it. How are u going to go and fix this problem? if there isnt any physical thing you can do then stop thinking on the situation cus theres naff all you can do to help it.

and thats the key of this step.

4.Body

This is the hardest part.....

youve thought of a solution so now is the time to get off your back side and do it!!!

if your still stressing after this you need to remember back to (mind) theres nothing else you can do so stop thinking on it!!! if the problem goes tits up at this point then thats a shame but you did your best so there is no point stressing about something that is certainly going to go wrong. just remember to prepare as much as possible for the cause of the worry and you should be fine.

and thats it pls leave your comments on facebook or here.

when i wikied about horrible parasites

ok here is the countdown of horrid pests. (not in any perticuler order just ones i find out first)

5. THE EARWIG

earwig is rarely known to be a parasite but looks horrid just the same errr.

4.Tapeworm

Taeniasis is a tapeworm infection. Tapeworm infestation does not usually cause any symptoms. Infection is generally recognized when the infected person passes segments of proglottids in the stool, especially if the segment is moving. Mmm sounds like fun! Not. People acquire tapeworms by eating undercooked meat or freshwater fish that contain tapeworm cysts. Tapeworms in the intestine usually cause no symptoms but may cause abdominal discomfort, diarrhoea, and loss of appetite. Though however if they are in the brain, larval cysts cause various symptoms, such as headaches, seizures, and confusion. [JFrater: Given the choice of a picture of the worm itself, and the picture above, it was a no-brainer.]

3. Guinea worm

Guinea worm disease used to thrive in some of the world's poorest areas, particularly those with limited or no access to clean water, can grow to 2–3 feet long and be as thick as a noodle. larvae find their way to the body cavity where the female mates with a male Guinea worm. The male worm dies after mating and is absorbed.The female, which contains larvae, burrows into the deeper connective tissues or adjacent to long bones or joints of the extremities. FESTERING

2. Candiru the pee fish

Candirus are small fish. Adults can grow to around 15 cm with a rather small head and a belly that can appear distended, especially after a large blood meal. The body is translucent making it quite difficult to spot in the turbid waters of its home. There are short sensory barbels around the head, together with short, backward pointing spines on the gill covers. In this instance, the victim claimed that the candiru "jumped" into his urethra as he urinated while thigh-deep in a river. (his urethra being the hole where u pee from OUCH!)

1. The Ascaris worm

The next worm to grace our list is arguably the most disgusting of the lot. A larger cousin of the Hookworm, Ascaris is a giant sized roundworm that can reach as long as 40cm, as opposed to little over 1cm. It too sets up shop in its host's small intestine, using its characteristic mouth, which is surrounded by three less than luscious lips. Ascaris is in fact the parasite most familiar to us humans, though the fact that up to 25% percent of the world's population is infected certainly doesn't make it any more welcome in our bowels. Sickness, fever, and heavy infestations with severe intestinal blockages kill up to 20,000 people a year.

Quotes about myself from fellow piers

1. "in that jacket you command a certain authority that still leaves you approachable" Beth

2. "YOU ARE PART OF THE LUMINATI!!" Angela Smith

3. "You moron." Stephen mabbut

4. "your such a pedo matt" Jade cast, Tom cast, Lewis ward, Tahir Khan, Jamie Buchan, Megan Rodger

5. "you utter burke" myself

6. "alright shag" Dave leigh

7. "yeh we super glued the table... You have really clear skin!" Jade cast

8. " you tit" Dan Ley

9. "nice belly matt...." Beth

10. "you look very old today" Dave leigh

why am i a christian

its because I have a partiality to wearing socks with sandals.......

yeah right, at first it was my parents who turned Christian when i was about 8 and like any 8 year old I went along with it. of course there is a god,

of course the Easter bunny exists, Santa does exist because he is my dad oh and of course my teeth stopped falling out because the tooth fairy was getting poor.

then i started to become aware of my own opinion, it was a rocky road with challenges and stumbling blocks that I still struggle with today, i couldn't tell the difference from my opinion and fact and i had problems with being wrong and i still struggle with the idea that other people have different opinions. (as if they have)

by the time i was 11 i diddnt beleive but to save all grief i would get from my parents namely christopher leigh. i lied. "yes jesus loves me woooohooooo"

hmmmmm. when i got to 13 i started to have a look around for some kind of scientific evidence against God. after all God is a ludicrous idea. one entity designing the entirity of the universe sounded about as believable as the idea of politicians avoiding corruption. but when i looked into it i found that alot of the top physicians in the world and most of the top guys in britain were christian.

so i stopped my search there. after all the evidence i wanted comes from a bunch of christians.....

and so i took the long and very stubborn road to beleiving and arguing with youth leaders.

(I WASNT GOING WITHOUT A FIGHT)

i truely beleived when i was around 14 after a long winded argument with the God i diddnt beleive in at which i said " GOD WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A RIDICULOUS IDEA TO BELEIVE IN!!!" and he answered "

for the same reason you like that hairstyle".

..... lol

ok not quite true but vaguely thats how it was. please leave a post on facebook if you can be bothered till next time sports fans

Burke : the meaning and all that surrounds the word

BURKE

to be or act like and idiot/numpty/ plonker in order to taunt teese or annoy someone.

can also be the general name for an ignorant or perticularly dense person.

Conditions of calling someone a burke:

1. if someone says something really dense out of character

2. if said person falls over a really small or non exsistent object

3. if someone digs themselves a hole by trying to redeem stupid comment

4. if someone does something in a completely illogical manner

5. if someone decides that they will split up with gf cus of boredom (sam buchan)

6. if someone brags

7. if someone will not shut up.

8. or if they are any of the groups below

Usual people who deserve the title of burke:

chavs

dense teens

racists

sexists

men or boys with stupidly high voices (eg alan carr or justin beiber)

people with annoying voices

people who wear clothes 30 years too young for them

nosy people

those who cant understand the idea of someone else having an opinion

atheists

and really slow drivers

Any other problems with the word burke

if wrongly used the person who said "burke" is now under the condition 1.

If someone says "burke should be spelt birk" then they are a burke for not realising that the word is named after the singer. because she is a burke.

skates arrived. life is like a donkey

My skates have arrived. yay

well thats the first part of the title over.

oh and the life is like a donkey thing.

sometimes an ass, sometimes like a muel.

but the rest of the time its a loyal freind who will carry you miles.

and thats my sentimental and philosophical comment of the week. if anyone asks you any deep or awekward questions just answer:

LIFE IS LIKE A DONKEY.

oh and ben if your reading this i will be making a video blog again at some point this week.

http://www.youtube.com/user/bruvleigh?feature=mhw5

rounders and answering abis question

i swear our church has the biggest amount of dirty poachers in the whole of the uk.
(dirty poacher is our term for cheating)

ive never played such a mash of rounders before, obstructions, buldozing the obstructions over or the batting team cathing the ball and throwing it away.
my team was the losing team but only because of the cheating nature of our opposition!!! grrr.

at anyrate abi had a question for me that i feel can be answered very easy.
"Why are guys never satisfied?"

she was actually asking about a particuler guy but i wont share his name. this answer is very simple.

GUYS CAN BE SATISFIED. the only problem is that we would never tell you...
and the guy that you are talking about is 16.

therefore he will not be satisfied with you cus he wont be with anyone for more than a month or two until hes a bit older. (there are exeptions to this so dont hold me to it)

guys at around his age in general are not looking for commitment.
hope that answers your question. now im going to curse ebay until my skates arrive!!!

I diddnt get my skates.....

CURSE YOU EBAY

Trying to predict the future

i cant post tommorow because i cant be bothered. sorry guys....

so i do know of one subject that i can talk about. my skates are supposed to arrive tomorrow. now i cant predict the reliability of the royal mail but i can post for both outcomes.

OUTCOME NUMBER 1

my skates have arrived, thus proving ebay to be just as awesome as it professes to be!

to bad i woke up at 11 i cud of been using them an hour ago. but hey i dont have to pay the extra 2 quid for the skate hire anymore.

OUTCOME NUMBER 2

DAMM IT EBAY YOU LIERS I COULD OF BEEN SKATING ON THEM BUY NOW YOU SMEGGY OOD SWINES!!!

so yes tommorow is the day of judgement wether ebay makes it or wether i have to send chuck norris to kick there sniping idea of a bidding system out of there idea of time and into nothing. (over did the chuckness there but hey) yes will ebay make it or not? depends onwether the owner of those skates has bothered to send me them or not.

PAINTING NAILS AS A BOY

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The danger to bungie runs

YES THEY ARE DEADLY.

and whats crazier is that ill be on one later (if i can get a lift)
if you dont know what a bungie run is its basically a huge buncy castle in the style of two runnng tracks.
dont the middle is some velcro tape which you have to0 stick beanbags to as far down the track as you can. all of this you are connected to a bungie which snaps you back when you reach your limit and it decapitates you every time.

the worst part is that they are completely and utterly addictive.

oh i lie there is a worse part. then i have the need to have a go in the sumo suites against my freakishly strong brother.

if im dead tommorow dont be suprised.

Ive just had a blood test

and what makes it weird is that my mum took my blood.

she is fully qualified of course but its horrid. the idea of something stabbing you is bad enough.

then you have your life fuel sucked out of you. (i dont care how much it is its just horrible generally). then you look up to see your mum holding the needle.

perfect.

anyways im off iceskating later and i have a freind who is quite good at it. hes been trying to prove that i am not good at iceskating because i havnt got a grade and he "has"...

well thats great.

hes had more weeks at it when i couldnt go for whatever reason and he has his own skates. mine wont be here till next week. but what he forgets is that when we were both skating he was falling all the time and i could take a full charge of any burke skating the wrong way. theres only one thing i cant do that i care about.

going backwards. cant do it. i was taught how but my body will not go backwards.

at any rate i can skate well enough to have fun. oh and i can talk to my mates without pissing them off for the sake of it

oh yeh

It was my birthday yesterday and i bought these skates

My first blog

Hi I'm matt and ill be Blogging my inner most thoughts and feelings (within reason) onto here!!! you lucky fiends. So first you will have to know who i am to understand me. im 17 and what you would class as a geek. I'm a Christian with the morals that go along with that. To be honest as much as i can make friends with almost anyone i keep my thoughts to myself and as much as i can get to know someone within an hour of meeting them i suspect its very hard to know me inside out until having a few years of being a mate.

recently ive been lucking into the differences in thinking between guys and girls. hmmm now thats a controversial subject. now i dont mean the trivial "girls like fashion guys like cars" thats just irrelevant. im on about the more useful. having most of my freinds as girls gives me a rare and not muched love perspective as the "guy" best friend. One such freind of mine ill just call E, she always had problems with men. "hes cheatin on me why cant he do this and that why doesnt he care how i think, why doesnt he just ask how i feel?"

now from a guys perspective i know the reason and it aint pretty. most guys dont care.

most just want a girlfreind for the obvious.

and even when hearing this girls either dont beleive the nice guys exsist or they just dont beleive me.

this is bad for the guys like me. now dont get me wrong im an arsehole for patronisation but im one of those guys who care. FOR SOME REASON .dont ask me why that is i just dont know.

with my last GF she cheated on me 9 times with the guy she hated for not having any emotion or any care for her... thanks lol.

so yeh most guys are nobs and most girls are hippocrits. which leaves the few exceptions to the rule stuffed with no self esteem.

Thank you society!!!!

at anyrate please leave your comments if you can (im new to blogspot)

id like to know what you think